Ah, February, the month where the young at heart open their hearts, the older at heart open their wallets and any open magazine has a relationship guide. In the interest of fostering improved relationships between geeks and non-geeks, this guide lists some common behaviors or opinions according to my non-geek wife (plus some of her tactics for dealing with these behaviors).

And the survey results say.

• I believe there does NOT exist a state of too much RAM, too large a hard-drive or too fast a processor.
• Whatever I’m doing on the computer is important.
• Kids, any liquid substance in your hands and in the vicinity of the computer is evil, very evil. There are no exceptions.
• GRUB is not a yard pest.
• Long-term efficiency is the two hours I spent working on a project to achieve what could be done manually in ten minutes.
• Forget Vista, I’m busy playing around with PCLinuxOS 2007-test1.
• Life is short, that’s why I’m in front of this monitor.
• I reserve the right to yell at any idiot who fails to turn off their cellphone ringer during the premier of a “Spiderman” movie.
• Bill Gates may be the ultimate successful geek, but it’s still tacky to post Da Vinci’s Codex Leicester in a Windows only format.
• So many programs, so little time.
• I will forget that my “Eureka” moment at 3am won’t be as exciting for you.
• I am glad to see you, but that’s just a USB drive in my pocket.
• It’s not news. unless it’s on NewsForge.
• Ruby is more than a gem-stone.
• If the hard-drive makes a screeching sound, take the kids out of the room immediately. The following language will probably be inappropriate.
• XML, HTML, PHP and LAMP are some of the acronyms that give me a warm fuzzy feeling.
• Life would be much simpler without users.
• After Second Life, I seem to vaguely remember a real life. Who are these little kids running around here?
• February is a busy month with eight distros to be released according to Distrowatch. Isn’t there a holiday this month too?
• That’s not music CD’s, but LiveCD’s on the corner of the desk.
• NewLine Cinema is crazy. Only Peter Jackson should make “The Hobbit”.
• I think “Ubuntu Linux for Non-Geeks” by Rickford Grant would be a great stocking stuffer next Christmas for the extended family. What do you think dear?
• Bring on the pizza and Dr. Pepper.
• Good lingerie will make you look like a Wii remote.

“Forewarned, forearmed; to be prepared is half the victory.” Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra.

However, my wife has developed responses to these behaviors. Some of her common coping strategies include:

• Adopting a hobby. In her case, she took up knitting. At least we are in the same room together plus she has a sharp stick to poke me if I ignore her too long.
• Using her hobby as an excuse to read blogs and websites about knitting, thus depriving me of access to the household computer.
• Walking away in public areas muttering “I don’t know who this guy is.”
• Pulling the main switch on the breaker box and blaming it on a freak storm.

Since we’ve been married almost fifteen years, it apparently helps to be forewarned and forearmed. Have a Happy Valentine’s Day.