Fun with Ubuntu - top ten next names, part 2

Fun with Ubuntu - top ten next names, part 2


Last week I gave you half of my Top Ten Names for Ubuntu releases. As a reminder, they were: 'pissy porcupine', 'bitty bat', 'virtual viper', 'talky tortoise', and (my favorite) 'kinky kangaroo'. Now here are the rest. I do this, again, as a public service to Ubuntu, which can freely use these names as it sees fit (though a brand new laptop would be a most fitting 'gift' as a show of gratitude for my creative genius). Anyway... read em and weep! Oh, and you even get a bonus release.

Zesty zebra

Fast, you say you wanted fast! This baby boots in less than 13 seconds off a regular hard drive and less than 2 seconds off a flash drive. And that's just for starters. Everything about this release is focused on the ultimate speed freak experience. From compiling apps, graphics, to disk searching, this release squeezes every nanosecond it can find out of code. Even those perennial memory hogs of Firefox and OOo have been given a makeover to make them behave like they're on steroids. Even on pedestrian single core relics, this zebra zooms.

Minty mongoose

With turnabout being fairplay, Ubuntu forks the fork done by Mint OS, and creates a slammin Live CD release. Installable on everything from USB keychains, Raid arrays, or across networks (real and virtual), this is the viral release intended to seep onto every drive it can find. Compatible with Blue Ray/HD DVDs, users can create customized ISO images to include every app from the CnR repositories, which numbers over 20,000. Having seemingly now fixed its less than stellar hardware detection woes, rumor has it even Knoppix will drop Debian and use this as its base now.

Amorous armadillo

Titled the 'love' release Ubuntu shows some to non-Gnome users by prominently integrating some of the best apps from KDE into the Gnome desktop. Most prominent are Amarok, the undisputed music player leader, K3b, Ktorrent, and even the finally usable KOffice. With significant input from LinuxChix chapters around the world, 'amorous' is feminist friendly, with more colorful themes and cuter graphics. Even the recent Linus patches to Gnome made it into this release without hassle. And if bought off Ubuntu's website, you can get a stuffed Tux doll wearing a "I Luv Ubuntu" T-shirt.

Rugged rhino

For the security conscience (and all those banks and government agencies losing laptops) this is the release even the NSA uses. Employing state-of-the-art encryption, detection, and obfuscation technology, you must have a "need to know" even to use it. Using the latest EnGarde security and ACL scripts, and the upgraded TruCrypt file system, it seamlessly makes use of the new Seagate/Hitachi encrypted hard disks. So secure, it won't even install without use of a password or finger scan (so don't ever get Alzheimer's or your fingers cut off or you're toast). This release makes security so transparently easy to use even Bruce Schneier has it on his laptop.

Gnew gnu

The ultimate Ubuntu release to date. Using the completely rewritten (in D) Linux 3.0.6 GNU Hurd influenced microkernel architecture, it becomes the OS Richard Stallman claims he meant to create. With its new modulized driver kernel loader, multi userspace file systems (including the finally accepted Reiser 5.0), this release can run on everything from embedded systems to super clusters. Tabbed the ultimate Windows killer, reports have Melinda using it on her office desktop at the Gates Foundation. And with this release, Ubuntu finally breaks 5000 on the Distrowatch HPD list (though its still second behind PCLinuxOS).

And because I was on a roll (and didn't want to waste it) a bonus release!

Pimped panther

Otherwise known as the 'spinning rims' release, it becomes the first distro given prominent screen play on BET, in a DJ Tux video. Featuring no new technology, it does come preconfigured to set the audio output for all apps to maximum volume. With virtually every app 'themable' it quickly becomes the unofficial desktop distro of Def Jam and Sony records, as well as semi-officially for the PS3. For more flava, Canonical opens a 'PimpedOut' webpage, for users to post their most extravagant home screens, and makes available the FU-RIAA bittorent extension, for music lovers downloading pleasure.

There you have it. If you have a favorite let Ubuntu know.

Category: 

Comments

Anonymous visitor's picture
Submitted by Anonymous visitor (not verified) on

Hey,

That was really cool. you should have waited 15 more days until April 1 to have posted it.

Geoffrey Lehr's picture

I think you have a basic misunderstanding of Feminism if you think that what feminists really want is "more colorful themes and cuter graphics." Most feminists would probably argue that that is, in fact, a very sexist remark (whether or not that's actually what most female linux users desire; somehow, I doubt that's the real problem).

Normally, I wouldn't say anything, but you are concerned about terminology and prejudice, so it seemed appropriate.

Wikipedia's got an ok article on Feminism, so take a glance, and bear in mind that feminism is fairly heterogeneous.

Anonymous visitor's picture
Submitted by Anonymous visitor (not verified) on

Gnew gnu is pretty hilarious.

Author information

Jabari Zakiya's picture